Ever since I had my devastating wrist injury caused by an act of God and in no way caused by the fact that I fully embrace my stubbornness and make poor life choices, people with injured wrists and those who pretend they have them in order to join the “One Good Wrist Club,” have been harassing me by asking the same question: How do you wash dishes with only one good wrist?
Now, days into my recovery and after washing dishes on three separate occasions, I have decided to present a guide to one good wrist dishwashing. This is to assuage my guilt after running away from anyone who asked how to, even that wee child who ,was only asking for her old-school pirate grandmother, who had been eaten by a whale, fought her way out against tiny whale minions that lived inside the whale’s body, only to hurt her wrist saving a family of four by pulling their boat out of that same whale’s mouth.
Anyway, here’s the guide. My apologies to that little girl, her grandmother Old-School Pirate Bertha Red Baron, and all the millions of others who sought guidance.
A Guide to Washing Dishes with One Good Wrist
1. Have a dish washer.
No, not hire a dish washer. The going rate on those is ridiculous. Trust me. I mean, seriously, it’s 2017 and you should have a dish washer. And yes, cabin, I know you are a “cabin in the woods,” but it doesn’t mean you must act like one.
2. Uses the paper plates and Solo cups your wife bought you before she and the kids left for their trip.
Wait, she didn’t even pay for those. They were in my shopping cart. So I paid for them. Dammit. Very diabolical, Claire. If that’s even your real name.
3. Cite your love for the environment as the reason you have failed to use neither the paper plates nor Solo cups in the entire four days they’ve been gone.
And not the fact that you simply forgot to use them despite the fact that they have been sitting on the counter where you have filled up your real plates and cups.
4. Change your objective.
It’s not about “cleaning” the dishes. It’s about making the dishes have the “appearance of” being clean. Wait, you say appearances can be deceiving. Exactly. Use that to your advantage.
5. Use really hot water.
Because hot water kills germs. Like, most of them. And if some germs survive, it’s okay. Those were the ones that would have survived even if you had two working hands.
6. Use lots of good smelling dish detergent.
Unscented is not your friend here. If the dishes can’t be clean, at least they can smell like a tropical rain forest. But rinse them out super well. Bubbles are a dead giveaway for poor dish washing.
Don’t stress about the cups. Soap them, rinse them, and they’re done. Wait, you do need to smell them. If they still smell like milk, you didn’t use enough soap.
8. Plates and Bowls
A breeze. Set them up where they are flat and go town with you dish towel. Quick rinse and they are done.
9. What about caked-on food that’s tough to get off?
We don’t have time for a battle with caked-on food. So “accidentally” break those dishes. Then get rid of the evidence. But what if it’s my wife’s favorite coffee cup, you ask? First, why does your wife’s favorite coffee cup have food caked in it? Gross. It’s a coffee cup, not a feed bin. Geeze. Still, “accidentally” break it. When she comes back and asks where it is, say that one of your kids (or a neighbor, or pastor, or pet) must have done something with it. Order her a new one and when it arrives, tell her that you couldn’t bear her not having her favorite cup so your searched yours and everyone else’s house from top to bottom until you found it. Perfect.
10. What if you have guests and they point out that the dishes only “appear” clean?
What kind of guests point out to someone with only one good wrist that their dishes only “appear” clean? Bastards. Guilt trip them into rewashing your dishes (this time not just for “appearances”) and then make them use the paper plates and Solo cups. Somebody has to use them before your wife comes back home so you can tell her you used them. Even though she didn’t pay for them.
There you go. Hope the guide helps. If it doesn’t? You’re clearly doing it wrong. Now don’t ask me anymore about how to wash dishes one-handed. Well, except for you, Old-school Pirate Bertha Red Baron. You can ask me anything.
The "Appearance" of Clean
Here it is. Steven's blog, where his thoughts about things are revealed. Good luck.