My 10 minute melodramatic comedy, 'Tis Not Me She Loves (3F, 4M, 1E), available here at Heuer Publishing, deals with the feud between the Hatplains and the McCroys that has been in a slump for some time now. Both families agree that there's one way to reignite the feud that gives them purpose: a forbidden love between Romero McCroy and Julia Hatplain. The only catch is, Julia’s not in love with Romero and Romero’s not in love with Julia. Below we see Romero try to help his best friend Julia figure out how to talk to her true love, Merc.
SETTING Eastern Kentucky, near the big Sandy River.
AT RISE Romero and Julia are standing together but Julia is faced away. She turns suddenly.
JULIA: Romero, I just don’t know if I can talk to him today at the waterin’ hole. Or anywhere. He’s so dreamy. Like one of my pigs.
ROMERO: I wouldn’t tell ‘im that, Julia. He probably wouldn’t find that flatterin’. (Julia takes his hands.)
JULIA: Then can you help me? Help me talk to Merc. So he’ll know my feelings and stuff.
JULIA: Maybe yous could faller me and tell me what to say.
ROMERO: Nah, I’m not good on the spot. The only one that I know that could pull that off is ole Cyrano, and he said he wouldn’t do it no more after well . . . you know. (Julia nods and then turns away dramatically.)
JULIA: Well, I don’t know what to do. I ain’t good at talkin’ to humans. Besides you.
ROMERO: I know, maybe you could shock ‘im. Be bold or somethin’. The way your pigs are when they go after that mud. (Gets an idea.) Hey, maybe we could role play.
JULIA: Role play?
ROMERO: Yeah. You know, like when we was little kids. (Julia runs up to him and hugs him.)
JULIA: That’s a wonderful idea. I’ll be Merc and you be me.
ROMERO: I think it should be the other way around. I mean, when it really happens, you’re gonna be Julia, not Merc.
JULIA: Right. I see what you mean. Now, what do we do?
ROMERO: Well, I’ll walk off and you wait right here. And then I’ll come back, but I’ll be Merc and then we’ll start talkin’. Okay? (Julia nods and Romero walks off. Julia starts pacing a little. She then starts doing pig snorts. Romero peeks his head back out.) Wait, what are you doing?
JULIA: Pig snorts. That’s what I do when I’m waiting. (Romero stares at her.)
ROMERO: Maybe not this time.
JULIA: But pig snorts relax me.
ROMERO: Right but . . . no. Just stand there. Looking pretty.
JULIA: You think I look pretty?
ROMERO: Oh, of course and if we weren’t such best friends then--
JULIA: Thank ya for that. I think I can do this now. (Romero smiles and walks off. Julia waits, looking pretty. Romero, now as Merc, reenters.)
ROMERO: Hi, Julia. (Julia turns and smiles.)
JULIA: Hi, Merc.
ROMERO: So, you wanted to see me?
JULIA: I did. I have something very important to tell you. (At this point, Ty enters and seeing Romero and Julia talking, stops and hides. Julia stares at Romero but is unable to speak.)
ROMERO: You can do it. (Julia smiles.)
JULIA: I . . . I . . . (She grabs him and “kisses” him. Romero and Julia fall to the ground. Julia then pulls back.) I like you. I really like you.
JULIA: Was that good?
JULIA: You think--
JULIA: Good. So four o’clock at the waterin’ hole?
ROMERO: Yep. (Julia smiles, touches Romero on the nose and then leaves. Romero stands up.) Wow. (Romero slowly walks off. Ty enters.)
TY: It finally happened. The forbidden love. This is just what we needed to get the feud goin’ again. Once I tell Cap Hatplain that Julia is in love with that rascal McCroy, it’ll be on again. And maybe they’ll stop making me sleep in the outhouse. I got to go tell ‘em. (Ty leaves as the lights fade.)
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