The Things I’m Not So Thankful For

It’s the week of Thanksgiving, and as people everywhere consider the many things they’re thankful for, I have decided to do the same. Just not here. Instead, in honor of the holiday that’s all about being thankful, I’m inspired to write (not in a mean-spirited or cynical way, but a fairly joyous one) . . . about the things I’m not so thankful for. 

1. I’m not so thankful for the end of City of Angels, a movie starring Nicolas Cage as an angel named Seth who . . . SPOILER ALERT . . . gives up being an angel to be with Maggie, Meg Ryan’s human character. After a night in a log cabin, Maggie wakes up on a blissful morning and goes on a bike ride down mountain roads. There’s nothing wrong with that, except that she decides a good idea would be to bike down the center of this mountain road with her eyes closed and her hands off the handlebars. She then proceeds to get hit by a truck and dies. Seriously. And Seth’s not even mad. He tells his angel friend something about how he’d “rather have one breath of her hair and one kiss of her mouth than an eternity without it.” It sounds pretty, if not a little odd, but Seth, buddy – you’re missing the point here. It’s not like you gave up being a cashier for her. You gave up being an angel. Of the Lord. For a woman whose decision-making skills turned out to be questionable at best, leaving you alone with no discernible job skills. I think an eternity without her sounds pretty good when you compare it with what you’re facing now.
2. I’m not so thankful for bread-and-butter pickles. I remember when I was a kid, and I was at one of those awesome luncheons full of all kinds of fantastic foods. After filling my plate with every type of mac and cheese, I saw a bowl of tiny dill pickles. I was elated. I was, and still am, a fan of dill pickles. I put a handful on my plate and headed to my table, where I proceeded to take a bite. It was not a dill pickle. It was a bread-and-butter pickle. That sweetly disgusting fraud of a pickle. I’ve never gotten over it. Nor will I. I also don’t feel bad for turning my children against them. One of my jobs as a parent is to protect them from the bad things in the world, and I do so gladly in the hopes that they may never know the pain I experienced on that day. Curse you, tiny gherkin.
3. I’m not so thankful for the overuse of LOL. It’s a great term when used correctly. By correctly, I mean when there is actual laughing out loud. I just don’t think it happens as much as it’s typed. Perhaps that’s because I very rarely find myself LOLing. I'm more of a LIMH (laughing in my head) kind of guy. I think that if someone’s sitting at their computer laughing at loud on a consistent basis at people’s posts, either they have extremely funny friends or something is seriously wrong with them. And if people really aren’t LOLing as much as they say they are . . . well, that’s called typing non-truths and it’s wrong.
4. I’m not so thankful for that time I passed gas and everyone else moved across the room from me. I was twelve and on a youth retreat at the beach. I wasn’t really close to any of the 30 people there, but it was the beach and I was having fun. One night we were in a conference room, doing what church groups tend to do. We were sitting together on the floor when I passed gas. Loudly. At that moment, every other youth moved to the other side of the room. Away from me. I was now a lonely boy in a room full of people. Someone might say “I guess you learned that you shouldn't pass gas in a room full of people.” Like I didn’t know that. One thing I did learn is that Christians aren’t very forgiving when it comes to flatulence.
5. I’m not so thankful for oatmeal raisin cookies. Some people like them. Their opinion is that they are good. Tasty. These opinions are false. Oatmeal raisin cookies are an abomination. A scourge on the world of cookies. Of all desserts, really. I like oatmeal. I like raisins. But I do not like them together. They taste weird and they don’t complement each other. The somewhat grainy oatmeal, the squishy raisins. Gross. They make me sad.

There you go. The five things in my life that I’m not so thankful for. The rest: family, friends, etc. . . . I find completely fantastic and am extremely thankful for. I hope your “Not So Thankful” list pales in comparison to your thankful list too. 

Happy Thanksgiving!!!