Back in the day, when I was a wee child, I tended to make questionable decisions. Not on a consistent basis, per se, but on a basis where someone might notice and say, “That child makes questionable decisions.”
By questionable, I don’t mean anything mean, life-endangering, or for that matter, world-changing. Just decisions I made back in the day that later make me think, “Huh. That was questionable.” Here are three of them – not necessarily the most questionable, but three of the ones I remember most.
1. My paper full of obscenities
It was 5th grade. I saw that blank piece of paper lying on the kitchen table, calling to me, begging me to write on it. So I crossed to that paper, picked up my #2 pencil and looked at it. What to write, I asked myself quietly. And in that moment . . . I knew.
Naturally, I filled the page with a bunch of obscenities. Now, I never actually cursed as a 5th grader, probably not even until I was in college, but on that fateful day . . . my pencil cursed. A lot. And then, as all brilliant 5th graders would do, I left the paper on the table. My mom found it and I told her that my best friend Kevin had done it, because he “wrote curse words on paper all the time.”
Here it gets a little foggy as to what happened next. Either my mom saw through me and took away my desserts for week, or she called Kevin’s mom and he got in trouble, or she sent me to a Turkish prison where I still reside to this day. They’re all equally likely.
2. Uttering the phrase “Well, as long it’s not a VCR game”
My brother Chris gave me a VCR game one Christmas when I was around . . . I don’t know . . . let’s say 13. It was about the Winter Olympics or something. We played it once and never again. I don’t believe we even finished that game.
The next Christmas rolled around, and Chris and I were talking about what we were going to get for each other. I was probably thinking about buying him a tie because that’s all I gave him back then, and he mentioned that he had already gotten me a gift. Thinking back, I should have said something like “Awesome!” or “Can’t wait.”
I didn’t say either of those things. I said “Well, as long as it’s not another VCR game.” I realized instantly that I’d said the wrong thing. His face turned red, and he yelled “Well, you’re going to like this one!” and then stormed out.
We never ended up playing the new VCR game. It was based on the Summer Olympics.
3. Taking off Luke Skywalker’s hand
I got a Luke Skywalker figure when I was around 8 or so. I wasn’t a huge fan of the series until Empire Strikes Back came out and I decided that Lando Calrissian was someone I could pattern my entire life after.
Anyway, I got Luke, and like most kids of that age, I decided to take all of his clothes off. (Not right at the beginning, though. I got to know him first. And to be fair, it’s not like I had another Star Wars figure to play with.)
Then, at some point, I bit off his hand. Not all at once, though. It was a gradual thing. I would like to say that I was recreating The Empire Strikes Back . . . but I wasn’t. This was the Luke from Star Wars: A New Hope.
Also, I don’t recall Darth Vader taking Luke’s clothes off.
Like all children, I used to make some questionable decisions. Now, if you’ll excuse me, this paper full of obscenities isn’t going to write itself.
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